I fixated on backpacking and hiking for a year, I obsessively consumed all the media I could about anything outdoors. I fell in love with the idea of being someone else, someone who went on solo backpacking trips for weeks, who had all the best gear, who wasn't afraid of bears, who could fish and eat them without crying, someone who could spend all their time and money finding themselves in the forests and mountains. I wanted to sleep under the stars without fear. I started going on small hikes, bought an AllTrails subscription, visted Mounds State Park, Pokagon, Mount Summit, I camped with my dad and brought my dog Theo along. I made them go in the cold of early March and slept in 25 degrees fahrenheit, hoping to prepare myself for anything. I made lists of gear I wanted, talked only about it, for months on end. Finally, I bought $3000 of backpacking gear from REI, my dream backpack, tent, water bladder, filter, etc. We planned a summer trip to Colorado, I made a list of every hike in the area, found a beautiful one, planned to go early while it was still cool. I started thinking about how my body wasn't adjusting to the altitude, how I hadn't been hiking for a month, how we were going to be late, we weren't sticking my schedule, how it was an hour drive to the trailhead and the sun was already out. My anxiety was consuming me, and when we got there, everyone took off running up the mountain. I always started slow. I was quickly left behind. The terrain was unlike any other I'd ever experienced. THe furthest West I'd ever gone was to Nebraska. It became more of a climb, grabbing onto rocks and pulling myself up, down and up with switchbacks at every turn. I saw everyone had stopped and were pointing down the range at a deer who seemed to be limping. I knew there were bobcats in the area, I had done my basic research. I started to feel like the deer and I were the same and as we kept going I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd fail. I was right, I couldn't make it to the summit. I was so winded and I couldn't catch my breath. I sobbed the entire way back down to the trailhead. I was heartbroken. Deeply disappointed with myself. Even though I was prepared with supplies, my body and spirit weren't ready. I've hardly hiked since, every time it's been too difficult, my dream is on pause. I came back to college.